Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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