That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
