now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
