How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
