I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
