Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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