Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
