but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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