fuck your aforementioned shoe
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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