his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
