I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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