I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
