Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
