My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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