So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Randomize
