I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
