I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
