We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
