If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
