and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
