Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
