i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
