My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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