I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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