im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
