Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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