On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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