There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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