Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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