In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
