it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
