I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And then the night went full on bisexual.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
