Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
