Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
