so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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