TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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