Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
