I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
