I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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