I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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