you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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