I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
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