Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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