sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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