I think my vagina is haunted
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize