Im at strip club and am horny
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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