I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
