im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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