its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
