highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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