Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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