So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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