I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
