I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
