i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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